I love my aunts

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Have to wake the darlings in a minute or two, but wanted to dash this off.. Aunts are the best. They love you unconditionally.

I just finished reading this blog about Aunt Ba and pancakes, how Molly’s aunt told her stories of fairies and made her pancakes every Wednesday. Delicious writing at:  http://mollyandtheprincess.com/

Another great read — Betty Smith’s A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, where Francie Nolan talks about her aunts. Smith writes:

“Mama came home at six with Aunt Sissy. Francie was very glad to see Aunt Sissy. She was her favorite aunt. Francie loved her and was fascinated by her life. She was thirty-five now, had been married three times, and had given birth to ten children, all of whom had died…”

Betty Smith is as wonderful and loving at creating amazing characters and locales as Dylan Thomas or James Joyce.

Aunt Kathy is far right, gazing off.

My aunts too are characters. So are my kids’ great aunts, aunts and cousins. They can be quirky and eccentric, always smart. I love that Chris’s cousin, known as Aunt Betsy, tells my kids stories about Johnny Jump-Up, the gnome who lives in the Big House basement. I love that my Aunt Kathy has a dolphin collection that the kids can touch. The aunts, especially Aunt Kathy and Aunt Betsy, talk to me and the kids like our opinions really matter. Like they want to know what we think.

Yesterday was International Women’s Day, the 100th anniversary. This morning at work, I am co-leading a worship service to remind people of the women who make history, in big ways and small ways. We are going to celebrate the women whom we work with and live with every day. Our everyday heroes? They are my aunts. (And my kids’ aunts.)

Am Running Today

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This is my least favorite part of the day, waking the children. It’s drizzling and it’s Sunday. They’re not excited about today’s 5K at 9 am. A part of me does wonder, Why am I making them and myself run? It’s a huge hassle and I’d rather stay in bed with the New York Times.

I want us to run, because I know we will feel euphoric when we finish. We will have set and then exceeded some small goal. Life rarely offers opportunities to chart your progress.

I remember the first time I took my son ice skating in Central Park. The first time he went around the rink, he fell eight times. The second time around the rink, he fell two times. And after that, he hardly fell at all. That is how it goes. Take them out and let them fall. And soon they will stand and even skate and run on their own. And there’s some pride in that.

Wish me luck in waking my darlings, in finding running shoes, and in getting to the race on time. It’s not easy, but I believe, somehow, it will be worth it. If we just cross the finish line, we will have won.

http://www.nyrr.org/races/2010/r0307x00.asp

If it's fun, it's good

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“We buy these difficult books because we feel that, while not very exciting, they are in some way good for us…It’s a sort of literature-as-bran-flake philosophy: If something is dry and unpalatable, it must be doing some good to our constitutions.” (No Plot? No Problem! by Chris Baty)

I have written about how I loved NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). Such a creative, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, positive way to write a novel.

“With his startlingly mediocre prose style and complete inability to write credible dialogue, Chris has set a reassuringly low bar for budding novelists everywhere,” says Chris Baty about himself, the founder of NaNoWriMo. Awesome. http://www.nanowrimo.org/

I love that. So funny.

See, sometimes I feel — especially at work — that the most morose, the most academic, the most acerbic, that person wins. The one who puts others down? Yup, he or she  gets respected, if not promoted. But what about the nice guy/gal?

Hello! It’s harder to remain positive than to go negative.

It’s easier to be Debbie Downer than Ula Upbeat! Just because someone is negative, doesn’t mean they’re smart and right. And just because someone is positive, it doesn’t mean they’re dumb and wrong.

Ever since the leadership academy, I’m starting to see a shift in the culture of meetings and conversations at my workplace. People are affirming one another more. People are acknowledging that it’s okay to have fun at work. It’s okay to compliment one another’s work or unique style. It’s okay to be creative and, even, passionate.

At the library, I do have the impulse to choose the weighty, solemn and classic tome, but in fact, I should choose the fluffy, fun and juicy book. It’s more palatable. Just because a food tastes good, doesn’t mean it’s bad for you. Mother’s milk is very sweet.

And blueberries? Fun, yummy, good for you.

Just like “No Plot? No Problem!” Chris Baty’s funny, simple, profound how-to. Reading this book has got me psyched for next November when NaNoWriMo takes off again. Anyone want to join me? It’s more fun than eating bran flakes. And when the bar is set so low, everyone can cross!

Become Your Dream Part II

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I first noticed  the words propped up with the thrown-out Christmas tree. I might have seen them around town but they didn’t click.

Just now, I noticed the words again written in chalk outside the Whitney Museum. It might be hard to make out the words from my pictures, but the words were, BECOME YOUR DREAM.

I had just picked up mine and the kids’ registration for our 5K Coogan’s run at the NY Road Runners Club on East 89th. Yes, it’s been a dream of mine to run a 5K. [The last and only time I ran a 5K (hoping to beat 41 minutes): http://runningaground.wordpress.com/2010/10/19/i-did-it/ ]

So I felt a frisson, an emotional charge, an old friend, a coincidence, an epiphany, an Aha!, a click, an all’s-right-with-the-world feeling when I saw the words again.

Of course, I snapped a couple of pics on my phone. (I think this photo is upside-down.) When I got home to the West side, I googled Become Your Dream. I learned the artist is James de la Vega  http://dynamomagazine.com/?p=1646

There are pictures and sightings of his words and the spunky Keith Haring-like helicopter all over the city, mostly on the Upper East Side. Bitchcakes (love her name!) has a nice photo and thanks the artist responsible “for this act of pure joy and positivity.”

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bitchcakes/5386588568/ Nice.

I want to thank the artist too. It was about 5:45 when I walked towards the Whitney. I thought. ‘Maybe I’ll duck in and see some art. I hope I have enough money for admission. Ah, no worries. The museum closes at 5:45.’ So I started down 5th Ave. That’s when I saw the sidewalk art next to a bit of construction in front of the museum.

Seeing the words thrilled me. It reminded me that art is on the street. Art is at my feet. Art inspires me to keep walking or to get running. To keep going. To get out of my comfort zone. I love my beautiful New York. http://mybeautifulnewyork.wordpress.com/ 

I love street art. I love the idea of it and the feel of it. I love Become Your Dream. These are my three inspiring words for 2011.

Here is my blog entry about my three words when I saw them for the first time in the garbage two months ago: https://mbcoudal.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/my-3-words/

Stocks and Numbers

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Women don’t spend much time figuring out their money. At least, this woman doesn’t. And most financial planners are men who speak in a language of competitiveness and acquisition. Women, on the other hand, speak in a language of protecting and providing. Women live longer and they need to pay fiscal attention. At least, this woman does.

About seven years ago, my husband Chris and I met with Mark, a financial planner whose services were offered free through work. It was right after Chris was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. I had hoped for easy answers. I got a lot more questions.

To almost every question Mark asked, I shrugged or mumbled, “I don’t know. How am I supposed to know?”

How much money in your bank account?
How much money in your retirement account?
What have you got saved for the kids’ college?
What do you spend every month?

I had two guiding princilples for financial management:

1) benevolent neglect
2) generosity

Mark understood these principles. But still he prodded me to get life insurance. Although he suggested that Chris might not be eligible with his diagnonsis. He suggested I save for the kids’ schooling and my retirement. He suggested researching some other shared assets. To all of these suggestions, I reply, seven years later, “still working on it.”

My lack of interest in my financial state was the topic for one of my first blogs. I wrote this at the height of the recession a few years ago, http://hubpages.com/hub/Stocks-Slide–I-Shrug And it still holds. But there’s a power in blogging, that once I turn my attention to a situation through writing, I gain clarity or at least acknowledge that I am challenged. I still would rather plan a vacation than look at the financial state of the union.

Let me end by quoting my mom, as I quoted her in that early post, “Stocks Slide, I Shrug” which was about losing a ton of money in GE stock. Meh. Like mom always said, “They can’t repossess your vacation.” I’m pretty sure GE has gone up since then. Not sure, but I remain optimistic.

Fun experiences, like vacations, are so much more valuable than things. Memories live longer than mutual funds. I think I know what mutual funds are. I really should research them though. I think I have one. I wonder how it’s doing.

Quoted

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Yesterday I grabbed a newspaper off my desk to read while waiting for the Riverside bus home. I found the cover story, “Unplugged: Tech sabbath strengthens connection to God,” very interesting, because I frequently contemplate and write about How much connectedness do we really need? And then I found the article extremely interesting and surprising and yes, smart, because I was quoted in it. http://www.umportal.org/article.asp?id=7622

I loved this article written by Mary Jacobs for the The United Methodist Reporter, especially upon seeing my own name. I thought, wow, I’m an expert and I’m quotable. I kept reading the article hoping I might be quoted again. But I was not. Still, I was excited.

As soon as I walked in the door I bragged to my son, “Hey, I’m quoted in a newspaper article.”

“What did you say?” he asked. So I read him my quotable quote:

Mr. Burton-Edwards thinks multi-tasking can fragment the spirit and soul, too. Constant interruptions affect our ability “to be attentive to people, and to be in the moment,” he says. “They wreak havoc on our focus.”

Mary Beth Coudal, a staff writer for the General Board of Global Ministries, has seen that in herself.

“Social media has contributed to my short attention span,” she writes in a blog. “I’m beginning to wonder if this constant social media chatter is drowning out my ability to listen to the ‘still, small voice of God.’” She cited a co-worker who called the constant digital distraction “a traffic jam in my mind.”

My son was unimpressed. In fact, he was dismissive, “You sound like a religious freak. Like a crazy killer obsessed with God who hears voices.” I was amused AND offended.

I was taking a hiatus from blogging, but seeing my name in a newspaper article reinvigorated my commitment to my daily blog postings, including this one, dedicated to the Connected Life.

When you’re quoted once, you want to be quoted again.

A Generation of Disconnected Kids

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As I was leaving work tonite, I grabbed a book from my bookshelf to read on the bus ride home. I found these notes I had written about a year ago:

I give my kids what I wish I had when I was growing up — braces, nice sneakers, designer clothes. When one of my darlings walks by me and I’m reading the paper, I drop it, I snatch them close. I hug and kiss them.

If there’s a bagel that needs cutting, let me do it. I’d rather risk injury.

I feel sorry for them. Their dad is kind of sick. Their mom works a lot. But hey, wait! That’s me! I don’t think I should feel sorry for them. Why AM I the only one who sets the table and pours the milk into the cereal bowls?

I’m so tired that it’s easier for me to do what needs to be done than have them step up to the plate. I allow them to be dependent. They need to be more responsible.

Somewhere I got the idea that childhood should be soft and warm and adulthood hard and cold. It is wearying. I am getting tired.

The book that prompted these thoughts, where I found my handwritten notes, is Madeline Levine’s “The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids.”

Here are some quotes near my notes: “Both intrusion and overinvolvement prevent the development of the kinds of skills that children need to be successful: the ability to be a self-starter, the willingness to engage in trial-and-error learning, the ability to delay gratification… Warmth often slides into unhealthy dependency when we turn to our children for the loving connections missing in our adult relationships.”

Wow.

I think my kids are connected, happy and have aspirations towards responsibilty. But I have to nurture them and, at times, correct them.

If I give them warmth, which they need, it doesn’t mean I am sliding into unhealthy dependency. Nor does firm guidance mean I am lacking in love or warmth.

One startling premise of the book is that children of wealthy families are unhappier than children in poor families. Tough circumstances force family members to lean on one another, eat meals together and bond.

This book was a book club pick, although I never finished it and missed the discussion. Still, the premise bears discussing. Just today at work, my friend D. and I were talking about how difficult — and necessary — it is to let kids know your expectations of them. This helps them claim and feel proud of the ways that they have acted responsibly.

There is a happy and healthy middle ground between being your kid’s best friend and being the bad guy. I am finding that middle ground.

The Other Way To Read

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I forgot how to read a real book. I am reading “The Other,” by David Guterson. I bought the real book, not the e-book book. (Thanks, Dad, for the bookstore gift certificate!)

And when I got to the end of an early chapter, I closed the book, and reminded myself to remember that I’d stopped there. On an e-book, there’s no need for book marks or reminders to yourself. The e-book remembers for you. You turn it on and voila, you’re right at your stopping-off point.

So back to my paperback book, a day later, I opened “The Other,” and started at Chapter 3 which seemed right, until the end of chapter. The narrator referred to a character as if I, the reader, should already know who she was. But I was yet to be introduced. Yes, I flipped back and realized I’d completely skipped Chapter 2.

I have become so used to reading on an e-book that I’ve lost my knack for reading a real book. It is taking me a moment to relearn, but I will get there. I’m smart like that.

Reading is one of my life rules, my routes to sanity — My Rule #2 is escape through literature. https://mbcoudal.wordpress.com/2011/02/19/rule-2-escape-through-literature/

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Trash and Snow Removal

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One of the inspiring things about the peaceful demonstrations in Egypt and now, Wisconsin, is that the organizers arranged clean-up crews. (How come I can’t do that in my own house?) When zillions of people gather, it’s important to clean up after yourselves.

This morning I woke to ANOTHER dumping of snow on My Beautiful New York. I wondered, Who is going to clean this mess? The New York City Sanitation Department. They must be really tired of looking at snow. The snow blankets the garbage. The kids thought a pile of snow outside of our apartment building was garbage. When the snow melted last Friday, we discovered the pile was a motorcycle.

Clean up is not sexy, but it is an essential part of the process. You have to clean up before you can start anew. In Egypt, after 18 days, when the people decamped from Tehrir Square, I noticed in the photos that the people doing most of the cleaning were women. They swept the square. Maybe as democracy sweeps through the world like a winter storm, one democratizing outcome could be the the equal sharing of chores between the sexes.

Whether it’s New York City with another dumping of snow, a people’s movement in Wisconsin, or a democracy movement in Egypt, let’s not forget to clean up. And let’s not make only the women do it. Let’s be like the Sanitation Workers, equal opportunity cleaner uppers.

Rule #2 Escape Through Literature

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I hope my kids always think of me as someone who loves to read. I think of my parents as book lovers.

When I remember my mother from my childhood, I remember her head bowed to a book, especially late into the night. My mother- in-law was like that too; she always had a book close at hand.

I think reading helped my mother and mother-in-law cope with their respective tasks and stresses of each raising five children. And it wasn’t nonfiction, how-to books that they read. No, they found their answers in literary fiction. They read heavy hitters like EL Doctorow, John Fowles, Doris Lessing, and Margaret Atwood.

Reading, like meditating, does good things to the body. I’m sure there’s some science that shows physiological benefits to the body when we curl up with a book — the heart rate slows and the breath gains depth. We enter another world when we read, as if in a trance. We focus intently and we lose ourselves.

When I am stressed from working or parenting, I grab a book. Right now I am reading “The Other,” by David Guterson. It is good literary fiction, a great way to escape. I have to bow my head to it now.