Category: Rules To Live By

#4

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Cultivate a Secret Garden

I’d rather not say too much. After all, it is a secret. But you can plant your own secret garden — a hobby, a small indulgence, a pleasure, a journal.

Sometimes I feel my life is so public — everyone knows everything. I give so much to so many. This is my one little private thing.

A secret garden is fragile, yet mustn’t be fussed over.

You mustn’t plant it in the middle of a big open filed. It must be hidden and sheltered — a little hard to find.

There is a secret garden at Skenewood, my husband’s family house. You have to lean way out over a balcony to see it. It is close to the wall. It’s hard to prune or weed, but once you find it — wow — it’s a little miracle.

Keep your secret garden close to the chest, like a handful of aces.

Whenever I have told my friends about my seven rules for living, and I rattle them off, this is the one that prompts inquiry.

“Let’s go back to Number Four — a secret garden?”

No. Sorry. And say no more.

Surrender & Persist

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….ask me what I am living for, in detail, and ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the thing I want to live for. – Thomas Merton

I am living for the kids. Sometimes I joke, “I’m just holding it together for 10 more years until the kids are grown. Then I’m going to let it all go. I’m going to drink and smoke and be promiscuous.” But I’m not really going to do that. I’m not going to wait to crash once my twins are snuggled into their freshman dorm rooms. No, I’m going to crash gently now. And not wait 10 years.

Like Sully above the Hudson River, I can see my life has real mechanical failures, so I’m going to try to bring the jet down gracefully on some makeshift runway.

I’m finding the path of least resistance now. And as I see it, the path is towards — God, it sounds corny; but here you have it — greater loving.

To take this path, I have 7 rules to live by. These rules were developed by me and my friend Lindsay Pontius after we had several glasses of champagne at the Yacht Club –sounds so deliciously decadent. It was Lindsay’s birthday and we wrote our rules on a wet napkin with a felt tip marker we’d borrowed from the waitress.

I’ve told several friends my 7 rules and one or two suggested I jot them down on something more lasting than a torn napkin. So here you have it. My 7 Rules on the path of Loving.

Until you get to them, I suggest you hold it together. Or, if you have to crash, try to take it down gently.

The path is easy. But like all worthy endeavors, it requires a mix of seizing and letting go of your own power. The path requires persistence and surrender. Persist or give up. It’s up to you.

Rule #3

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Hoops of Steel

This rule is about remembering your priorities. And keeping those priorities always tightly close to you. My priorities are my work and my kids. I worry and wonder about them. I love them and they drive me insane.

“Grapple them (friends) to thy soul with hoops of steel.” Which means hang on tight to your friends. Some Shakespeare scholars suggest that hoops is a misspelling — the word should be hooks — as in, grappling hooks, ‘for whoever heard of grappling hoops?’ So, that reading means that Polonius advises Laertes to snag your friends with big masculine steel hooks.

But I like the rounder and more feminine image of encircling friends with hoops — rather than hooks — of steel.

Hoops are like hooped earrings or better yet, the frames of big hooped skirts.

Wear your hoops of steel. Carry them around. Put them on. Keep them on and hold tightly to them. Do not let them go.

Hold fast to your priorities — your hoops made of steel.

Rule #2

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#2 Escape Through Literature

Let’s say things are tough for you for whatever reason — Say, your husband has Parkinson’s Disease and the disease is stressing you out — grab a book. Escape.

Let’s say your kids want to show you a cool new video game. “Sorry kids, can’t come now! I’m reading a book.”

Reading trumps just about anything. Sure, you look anti-social. But you also look smart.

And although reading seems anti-social, it’s not really. There is always book club — a very social and very intellectual pursuit.

Also, a great excuse. “Sorry, can’t make dinner. I’ve gotta finish my book club book.” Then the next night, “Sorry, can’t make dinner. I’ve gotta go to book club.” (Our last book was Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451. In our book club, even if you don’t read the book, you can comment on the cover art.)

Lindsay and I discussed changing this rule to Escape Through the Arts, because painting, play practice, or piano lessons also help one cope. Any participation in the arts is a great escape.

And then we thought, we should change the word ‘escape’ too because really the arts are more of a ‘going to’ than an ‘escaping from.’ But what the heck — Escape Through Literature has a nice intellectual ring. And intellectual = good.

Reading. Writing. Even pretending to read or write. People respect that. And it’s all about respect. No, wait. It’s all about love. People love that. And they’ll love you if you’re a reader or writer. At least that’s been my experience.

#1 Pile on People

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# 1 Pile on People (P.O.P.)

There is no problem that can’t be bettered by adding a lot more people to it.

If two parents are good, then three are even better still. Four or five? Excellent! After all, it does take a village to raise a child. Or fight a war. George Bush employed this concept — he called it a surge.

In my life, I have employed surge. Especially in the last few years I have piled on the people by employing housekeepers and babysitters. And it’s really worked well. (Heck, half of my facebook friends are the kids’ babysitters.)

One note: it does cost you. So, be prepared to DTE (damn the expense!) when piling the money on when you pile the people on! Or barter! Or get family members on board.

I was just chatting with Josie, former babysitter, the other night. I was dissing marriage to her. Saying Let’s face it, married couple love is way overrated. That relationship is so fetishized by, oh, I don’t know, diamond companies, candymakers, Valentine’s revelers, Catholic priests. If we are going to celebrate love, let’s expand our concept of love a wee bit.

Let’s celebrate a love of a single mother for her kids, a sister for her brother, two dear old friends, a son for his dad, an aunt for her nephew, a student for his teacher, a pastor for her flock. I dunno. I’m just sick of all the brouhaha over marriage.

My point is — it’s wrong to send love like a garden hose in just one direction. That won’t water the garden. Hook it up to a sprinkler and let love be more like a fountain — spraying in many directions and watering a wider land.

I’m digressing and I do want to tweak my P.O.P. concept.

Make it P.O.U.P. — Pile on Useful People. Because just a pile of people gets unwieldy. And given that I’m a real people pleaser, when you have to please unwieldy people, it’s a real drag. So try to see that the people in your life add, not take away.