A Message from Judy Blume

There was a message on Twitter from Judy Blume to me. My breath caught in my throat.

I had been walking on Broadway for 30 minutes, heading to work yesterday morning. I stopped to check my phone. I was super excited to read what she, one of my heroes and the author of Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret, wrote to me.

See, on Monday I’d written to Ms. Blume:

@judyblume we have a mother daughter bookclub in #nyc Could you stop by #uws Sun, June 4? we are reading #Deenie THANKS SO MUCH!

Ms. Blume’s message said, “– love mother/daughter book clubs but won’t be NY then. Say hi to readers for me. Parental expectations-should be interesting.”

So I emailed the “Hi!”  from the great author to the mothers and daughters in our book group. And now I pass on Ms. Blume’s hello to you, blog readers. And rest assured, we will discuss parental expectations — and much more — at our next book group!!!

Happy Reading, everyone! (Here’s my post from our first mother/daughter book club http://gettingmyessayspublished.wordpress.com/2011/03/29/mother-daughter-book-club/. )

Studying Writing with Madeleine L'Engle

Our first assignment was: pick any character from the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) and write a story from that person’s view.

My story was literal and dramatic (that seemed to be the tone of the bible and I write what I believe is assigned). But Madeleine fulfilled the assignment with an imaginative and funny story. We both wrote about the woman in the window at the edge of town.

I remember thinking, “That is NOT the way the story goes, lady. But you’re Madeleine L’Engle, so you can change the bible any which way you want.”

I got in her class because I’d been going to All Angels’ Church — I loved the warmth and elegance of the worship, but was less in love with its evangelic and literal zeal. I wrote about this church when I started my Church A Day visits, the post was called: A Beer, A Bra, Then Church: at: https://mbcoudal.wordpress.com/2010/08/16/

Back to getting in Madeleine’s class, when I worshiped at All Angels’ the pastor, Rev. Goode, invited any regular church goers to sign up for her class.

About a dozen of us met in her home, for a couple of summer months. She lived in a big rambling Upper West Side apartment which I loved and felt I could easily move into — she wouldn’t even know. She seemed to have a lot of guests coming and going.

She was getting old — still classy yet pixie. She held court from a big easy chair.

She liked talking about writing and listening to writing. I remember she liked my work. I felt we were kindred spirits, not only as writers, but because we were both married to actors, which gives a marriage a certain gypsy charm.

Another assignment: Write about a recent ethical dilemma and how as Christians we answered that dilemma.

I vividly remember one young man’s story. He was riding a night train in Europe. After the conductor collected tickets, a man who had been hiding, crawled from beneath the young man’s seat. The stowaway asked not to be given up and hid again beneath the seat. The conductor returned, asking, “Have you seen anyone else in this compartment?”

Should my classmate tell about the man hiding beneath his seat? Would you? It was a scary, true story. And the young man said he tried to think, “What would Jesus do?” I don’t remember how he answered. I only remember that my classmate was still plagued by this dilemma, believing he’d done the wrong thing.

Her class allowed us to admit we might be wrong. We had to be honest and imaginative.

I have to get to work now.

I have no idea why I woke up this morning thinking about Madeleine L’Engle and her writing class. That class was probably 16 years ago.

Maybe it was simply a Wrinkle in Time.

Or maybe I thought of Madeleine because yesterday I wrote about another aging mentor, writer and friend, Bel.  http://mybeautifulnewyork.wordpress.com/2011/05/11/bel-kaufman/

Writing in a Community

I started a lunchtime writing group. The last time we met we wrote poems on fragments of Anne Sexton’s poetry. (Brilliant assignment, Tiffany!)

I cried a little as I wrote my piece. When it came my turn to read the poem out loud, I alerted the group, “I may cry when I read this. Don’t worry about me. Don’t hand me tissues. I am okay. I’m just having feelings.”

I read my piece out loud and two-thirds of the way in, I began sobbing. Literally sobbing, sniveling, gasping-for-breath crying. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to sob — especially in the middle of the workday and in front of coworkers. That is the time I like to joke around about Toddlers & Tiaras or take a walk in Riverside Park.

But there were things bubbling up in me. A sadness around the shifts and losses in my marriage, due to my husband’s Parkinson’s Disease.

Here’s the story: I cope really well. I work out. I write. I share my feelings. I lean on my friends. I feel alone. I love my kids. I love my job. I love my communities. But, at times, I feel and I am alone. And I am sad.

There was something healing about writing about and reading this piece to a writing group — a community of real people in real time and in a real place. We wrote together and then we listened to one another read.

Our meeting is simple. We rotate leaders. The leader picks a topic and then we write for 20 minutes. Then we go around and read what we’ve written. We have written about other things too — our childhoods and our rituals.

There is an alchemy to being a part of a community of real writers. The other day I wrote on my other blog What is Community? https://mbcoudal.wordpress.com/2011/05/07/what-is-community/

It is hard work, passion and diversity. This lunch time writing group has and is all that. We meet again tomorrow at 12:30. Join us.

Go Social and Trust

Here are some take-aways from two of the workplace learning sessions at Monday’s ASTD (which we kept calling STD, as we giggled. I know, I know, we’re silly). It stands for the American Society of Training & Development.

Incidentally, on making acronyms funny — during the Royal Wedding-palooza yesterday, a Twitter trend was QILF (think about it….. okay, I’ll tell you…. It’s like MILF.)

Go Social! 

Consider setting up a company Wikipedia. Thomas Stone from element k said even the CIA has a wiki called Intelli-pedia. This got me thinking — maybe my family needs a wiki — a Coudal-ipedia!

And I learned from Wikipedia, (the mother wiki of them all), a wiki is a collaborative type document where writers can edit and add to each other’s work. Also, it says wiki is a Hawaiian word which means fast. I love the way Hawaiians have contributed to this country and our language. Mahalo, Hawaii.

Stone gave a workshop on how social and mobile learning are changing the way we train one another informally and formally. Like some companies are offering sexual harassment workshops on handheld devices and tablets. People finish their workshops much faster and on their own time when learning is offered through mobile devices and social networks.

I think we shouldn’t said call our workplace workshops training but workplace learning or leading.

Trust! 

Robert Whipple gave a presentation, “Thrive, Even in Draconian Times: Improve Trust and Transparency.” Bob said that customers really need transparency and trust. He said the need for corporate trust was even higher than the need for product satisfaction. Trust has taken a nosedive. People lack trust in bureaucracies, systems and agencies.

This photo has nothing to do with this post. But I took it when I visited Chautauqua. Front porches are lovely.

But not just corporately, this session helped me see how I need more trust personally. I need to be compassionate and trusting at work. This should be obvious, but somehow when we move into hyper-speed modes to get our work done, we forget to be human. Or we forget to lead from the heart as well as the head.

Bob said if you want more trust, you have to give more trust. That was one of those Aha moments!

And we did an exercise in trust at each of our tables, all 100 of us in the Marriott ballroom. How does a high level of trust or a low level trust impact our problem solving, focus, communication, customer retention, morale, and productivity in the workplace? We discovered — aha! — a high level of trust serves our corporation!

How much do we trust one another? http://thetrustambassador.com/

It was a great day… Especially because I was with my work peeps who I trust completely: Emily Miller, Margaret Wilbur, Julia Tulloch, and Marisa Villarreal.

The annual conference was held in Albany, the Hudson-Mohawk chapter of the http://hmastd.org/

Sexy Moms Like Cleopatra

For Mother’s Day, let’s remember Cleopatra who became even more powerful when she had children. It’s a little different today when parenthood enhances a man’s career but detracts from a woman’s.

Cleopatra: A Life by Stacy Schiff

When my book club read Cleopatra: A Life by Stacy Schiff, we were blown away by how Egypt and nearby nations bowed to Cleopatra’s empire-building. She followed in the footsteps of Alexander the Great.

I wished I lived at a time when motherhood was empowering and sexy. It was a part of their religious life. The universe of Ancient Egypt was ruled by sexy goddesses like Isis – earth mother, sensual creature, healing presence, happy lover.

“Motherhood not only enhanced Cleopatra’s authority…but solidified her links with the native priests,” Schiff says.

One problem in the Christian tradition is that our model for motherhood is a passive, ever-suffering, homebound Mary, not an active, sexy, pleasure-seeking adventurer. In the Christian tradition, motherhood does not solidify our spiritual place among the priests.

We need more Isis.

I don’t know about you, but I’d like to believe motherhood has made me more powerful and sexy, not submissive and virginal.

Reading Cleopatra reminded me that this time is not the only time. We can find new archetypes from other traditions and times when mothers had power.

And style. Like sometimes I wonder — am I destined to wear stretch waistband pants from Coldwater Creek? No, I can wear sexy togas and jewel-encrusted snake armbands like Cleopatra did.

What am I saying? Tying up a toga is exhausting. Motherhood is exhausting. Most modern mothers are too tired to be sensual and too preoccupied with children to care about empowerment or sexuality.

On that happy note, Happy Mother’s Day! To celebrate, I think I’ll go clean a bathroom. Or maybe I’ll just read a book and fantasize about a time when being a mother imbued an already powerful woman with even more power.

CBS Producers

Producers John P. Blessington and Liz Kineke from CBS Religion and Culture Series spoke to New York’s Religion Communicators Council at lunch today in a conference room in the Mormon temple near Lincoln Center.

The two talked about their love for producing television documentaries on topic’s like this year’s line up — unemployment, the environment, immigration, and pluralism — all from a faith perspective.

Melissa Crutchfield's hands at a memorial for Sam Dixon in Haiti. A UMNS photo by Mike DuBose.

The two won a 2011 Wilbur award from the RCC for their documentary, “Haiti: Religion’s Response to Disaster,” which featured my colleague, Melissa Crutchfield, disaster relief exec at UMCOR, (you can hear her on Youtube at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-TEg7om4y4). I didn’t see the Haiti documentary but I think it included the story of our beloved UMCOR colleague Sam Dixon who died after being trapped in the collapsed Hotel Montana in Port-Au-Prince.

Blessington spoke about making the decision to focus on Haiti, even though, “We knew there would be fatigue on the issue of Haiti.” The producers didn’t shoot new footage in Haiti, but relied on B-roll from Church World Service and other faith-based relief agencies.

The discussion was mostly in the form of a Q and A. I asked if the producers would consider another topic that is often seen as heated and confrontational in culture and religion — sexuality as a gift from God. I mentioned the cover story in today’s New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/19/us/19gays.html about the struggle of evangelical college students to affirm their sexuality identity.

But Blessington said they couldn’t cover that. Any television show on sexuality and religion would irritate too many viewers he said. Hmmmmm..

That’s too bad since their documentaries seems in-depth and compassionate. And on compassion, Blessington mentioned that he loves the Charter for Compassion. And who doesn’t? How can you not love a charter that overleaps religious differences to unite the world through the golden rule? http://charterforcompassion.org

The CBS Religion and Culture series website is pretty lame, but they’re working on it. You can check out when their documentaries will be released and in which local markets at: http://www.interfaithbroadcasting.com/rc.aspx

As always, the couple of dozen religious communicators in attendance were pretty interesting people — Christian Scientist, Mormon, Jewish, Catholic. I chatted with a guy who is producing events called Laugh Out Loud to end bullying through laughter.

So the luncheon started with a discussion on Haiti and religion, and ended with laughter and bullying. And that’s my report from this month’s RCC luncheon.

Dirty Dishes

Friday was a long day. Biked to work, worked non-stop, then stopped at my women’s spirituality group, went back uptown for a late work dinner with colleagues.

I was so happy to walk through the front door around 10. Kissed the darlings. Took off my coat. Headed to the kitchen to fix myself some herbal tea.

Disaster. Total freakin’ disaster. The plate that 15 hours earlier I’d served warm cinnamon rolls on was crusted over and piled high with the detritus from dinner — empty pasta box, dirty plates, cups, milk carton. You get the idea.

I was totally exhausted. While Parkinson’s Disease has made my husband less competent at cleaning up after himself and the family, my kids have no good excuse. I told my darlings to turn off the TV and help me. They did (unhappily) but we chatted (happily) as we unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher.

I told them just because women do the majority of the world’s housekeeping, it doesn’t mean we like it. I don’t. I like herbal tea. I like reading the paper. I like writing in my journal.

Today I continued the chat. “Look, Dad’s less able and I’m less willing. We’re working very hard for the family. You’ve got to work hard too. You’ve got to step up to the plate.” (I love using sports metaphors to talk about creating a smooth-running family team!)

They agreed and made promises. And you know the rest — after dinner they got up from the table to watch a TV show. I called them back and pointed out all the kitchen clean-up still to be done — the pots to scrub, the food to put away, the crumbs on the floor. 

It is a thankless job but I am going to ride the kids until they do more housework for the good of the family. If I do everything for them, I am doing them no good. I am simply increasing their dependency and my stress level. I cannot hire more housekeeping help. (I already have A. coming to clean once a week.) The kids have to pitch in.

Wish me luck.

Getting Confident

 

Having to attend to one another emotionally is draining. And we need to energize one another. Those who drain us won’t be part of the team again. That’s why I’m trying to stay confident at work.

Two-way streets are tough for those of us who travel only one way — alone. We have to excel collectively and let go of our perfectionist and insecure tendencies for the good of the team. There’s beauty in teamwork, especially when we have confident players.

Mother-Daughter Book Club

We had our first mother-daughter book club a week or so ago. Four mothers and six daughters sat on the floor and the comfy chairs around a coffee table that held wine glasses, juice boxes, and snacks on paper plates.

I love talking about what I’m reading. I love “comparing and contrasting,” a favorite assignment from my middle school English teachers. I love reading and discussing books so much that I even got my Master’s in literature. I missed it.

When my girls were toddlers, I jumped at the chance to start a book club with fellow mothers of preschoolers. Now our kids are middle schoolers. We’ve been meeting monthly for about eight years. We go on a long weekends together once a year. (Last year we went to Napa Valley and the year before to South Beach. For the trip we read a book set in or about that place.)

For our first mother-daughter book club meeting in March we all read Betty Smith’s A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. For our next book we were choosing among these books:

Deenie by Judie Blume

The Egypt Game by Zilpha Keatley Snyder

The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin

The Color Purple by Alice Walker

The Secret Order of the Gumm Street Girls by Elise Primavera

Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame

The Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare

And the last book won! I can’t wait to read it and discuss it. I can’t wait to be a mother who talks to her kids about important things, like literature.

When Kids Are Mean to Mom

My preteens have mood swings that take them from an attitude of a toddler to an adult in a flash. Take tonite. 

C. storms into our small NYC kitchen where her father and I are already tripping over each other fixing dinner.

“I’m starving.”

“Good, I’m making arroz con pollo, your fave.”

“I hate it. I am starving. I haven’t eaten anything.”

“Have a strawberry. Have yogurt. Dinner’ll be ready in half an hour.”

“I hate it. I’m starving.”

“Hey,” I said. “I don’t like anyone being mean to anyone else. Including you to me. I told you we’re fixing dinner.” I could feel my patience beginning to snap. I walked away. I didn’t want to yell. I took some deep breaths. She stormed ahead of me, into her bedroom and began to slam the door. I caught the door before it slammed and closed it gently.

Then, okay, yes, I gave the middle finger to the closed bedroom door. (I know, I know, I’m immature too!)

I grabbed my phone. I tweeted my friends, “I’m the nicest person in the world. Why is my daughter mean to me?” I got nice feedback. Like @katejenian “@MaryBethC You are there for your children to be mean to, as you will forgive them, and they know it. They also get over it (I did). :)” and @MegP4 said, “@MaryBethC Oh, can I soooo relate to this. Sorry.” And nycdavidwebb said, “you are indeed a nice person.”

I felt better. Venting to cyber friends cooled off my hot, mad attitude towards my little ingrate.

I heard C. singing in the kitchen. I peeked around. I watched her climb on a chair and nuke herself some old tacos smothered in cheese and black beans. She was making herself some nachos. She was singing, silly, happy. I couldn’t stay mad.

I let it go.

This preteen age is tricky. They have mood swings. They want what they want. And they yell and disrespect people, even me, their mother! Yet they still need me, want me, and cuddle me. It is an age of letting the door slam gently (and then, giving the closed door the finger!) 

I can’t remember, but it’s highly probable I had mood swings too.