Seeing My Life as an Adventure

the view from my office

This year I will notice the sun. My life is enshrouded in office dullness. I want nothing more than light — the shine and vitamin D of the sun.

In my sadness, in my busyness, I rush by, failing to notice the sun, the sky, the birds, the laughter, the people.

The sun is now setting; the day is gone. I noticed in a meeting earlier today how everyone ducked their head into their laptops as if their computer screens were a shield, protecting them from what? Each other? Very few of us made eye contact.

New Year’s Resolution: I will notice the color of people’s eyes.

I will be a people person, not a screen person. I will listen more deeply.

I often have something to say; I open my mouth quite easily. There is hardly a topic that you can mention that I don’t know one fact or have one statistic about. I have an opinion on everything.

I do not know everything. There is wisdom in not knowing, in noticing. There is quiet. There can be lulls in conversations. Usually when there’s a void, I tend to jump in. I hate the chasm. Like in a Harry Potter movie, a wide open space must be jumped across. But what if the wide open space simply was a place to meander, to linger.

I am so tired of being the engine that makes every little thing go. “I can’t do it, I can’t do,” I sobbed the other night when I couldn’t sleep. Yes, literally sobbed. The worries of my day multiplied, work worries times Chris’s decline times the kids growing up.

But what if I just stood at the side of the chasm and did nothing? I could stand there like a spelunker at the side of a cave. I have loved a mystery, an adventure. What if — ah, this is good — I saw my life as a quest?

I saw myself as going after something — I am Dorothy in the land of Oz, trying to find her way home.

I open to the chasm. I walk the yellow brick road. I am an adventurer at a crossroads. I am looking this way and that. I am listening for clues. For the sound of a waterfall or the barking of my dog ToTo.

I am not alone, yet I must make my quest alone. And when I come out the other side of the chasm, I can look back and think, I have come far, I have crossed that. Or maybe I’ll just fall into the fiery pit and be burnt to a crisp. That, too, happens in an adventure story.

But to see life as a journey, as a quest, this is the path to follow.

2 thoughts on “Seeing My Life as an Adventure

  1. I used to have that office view, too! It’s worth noticing, as are all the other parts of the journey. Good luck with your quest.

  2. “The worries of my day multiplied, work worries times Chris’s decline times the kids growing up….”

    MBC: The honesty you share about your life’s challenges makes it so much easier to face my own. Often, late at night when I’m all alone or at some point as I move through my daytime tasks–often mundane–I am overwhelmed with this feeling of “failure” and NOT….not a success, not wealthy, not 101% in charge of my own life, and I’m somehow become convinced, yes CONVINCED that I am the only human being on the planet with any sort of problem.

    At least once a day, I ask myself, “why did I move back here,” followed by “this is insane…I’m living off my 87-year-old father…I AM A LOSER.” Then, someone–perhaps someone I know well or a more recent acquaintance–will say to me, “it’s so great that you moved back to be here with your Dad” or “we’re so glad you moved back!”

    This community has always been where my heart and passion lie, but my head says “get out of here and get a good high-paying job witih top, top benefits and BE A SUCCESS.” Only losers live in crumbling little farm-towns in the stix, so YOU ARE A LOSER.

    Heart here, head there….always a debate. But, I also realize that I am always my own worst critic and I would find fault no matter where I’d be or what I’m doing.

    Keep writing…. your words inspire, instill….and you are so right about the light. Oh, ye long and darkened winter days… I yearn for the light and warmth of summer.

    FYI: That’s why folks are drawn to their PC screens….to the light! to the light! and all the magical colors…………a fairy tale escape at the press of a button (and WiFi)!

    Let the light shine upon you!

    –Alan Robinson

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