I tossed and turned, my sheets wrapping around me and my melancholy.
I’ve said it before, Mommy needs a good night’s sleep. And last night it just wasn’t happening.
Here are some reasons:
- I had worries about getting up early to buy and deliver breakfast to 22 kids at the church lock-in at 7 this morning.
- I do too much.
- Chris, my husband, is returning home tomorrow after a couple of weeks of being away. It’s an adjustment.
- I am worried about the expense and commitment of getting Chris help with daily tasks of living for his Parkinson’s Disease.
- It’s 9/11 weekend. It’s depressing.
- I’m not exercising much, because of my foot pain.
- I’ve focused too much on the kids and establishing their back-to-school routine.
- My bedroom is too hot; the air conditioner is too loud.
- I went to a MeetUp last night for writers who perform; had a couple of beers. Felt a little jazzed.
- I did not write much.
- I have anxiety about work and the possible downsizing of our agency.
I guess that’s enough. I finished Donald Miller’s Blue Like Jazz yesterday. I so identified with his discovery that we are open to forgive and love other people way more than we accept ourselves. The point of everything, every encounter — even our encounters with ourselves in the middle of the night — is love.
That is, instead of withholding love to change somebody, I poured it on lavishly. I hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people from the mire and toward healing.
This is tough. I have to find a way to love and forgive everybody, including myself; I need more help. Some problems can be resolved with more help and more love, and some with healthier behaviors. Here’s how I answer myself on last night’s worries:
You delivered the breakfast.
- You like being busy. Being busy and happy pays off.
- You’ll adjust to Chris’s return. You have your own travel plans.
- Just spend the money to get Chris help.
- This weekend will pass.
- Exercise any way. Swim. Bike. Run. Do yoga. Do physical therapy for foot.
- The kids are doing great.
- Leave the air conditioner on.
- Decompress with a book or herbal tea, not a beer.
- Write more.
- Let go of the work worries; there’s nothing to be done about them any way.
Writing all this has helped. I need more coffee. Maybe later, I can sneak in a nap. (Or exercise.)